Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Medal of Honor...




Pfc. Dirk J. Vlug



U.S. Army Private First Class Dirk J. Vlug was kickin' back on Leyte Island in the Philippines on 15 December 1944, cold chillin' with a fat stogie in one hand and a highball glass in the other, taking in the sights and possibly listening to some sweet Jazz or Swing records and thinking about how awesome it was going to be when the war finally ended and he could go home and hang out with some hot chicks. He had been tasked with defending the American roadblock of the Ormac Road, which was a pretty sweet gig I guess because it probably totally beat getting your ass shot off on Okinawa or Iwo Jima or some other crappy rock of an island with a bunch of other American troops. I mean, I know I'd rather be watching cars roll by all afternoon and listening to baseball on the radio than having a bunch of little Japanese dudes sticking rifles into my brain and yelling swear words or personal insults at me in whatever crazy language it is that they speak in Japan.
Well all of a sudden PFC Vlug saw some whacked-out shit rolling down the street towards him. It turns out that there were a pair of Japanese tanks headed his way, looking to break through the U.S. roadblock and fuck some shit up big time. Dirk took one look at this and was like, "Aw hell naw, bro". He left his posh country-club community-style guardhouse, abandoned his portable TV, grabbed his bazooka and six rockets and ran out to let those fuckers know exactly what was up for really real this time.
PFC Vlug, having left his fortified position, calmly walked towards the enemy tanks as they tried to blast the shit out of him with their machine guns and 37mm cannons. Not surprisingly, they couldn't hit the side of a barn if they were parked inside of it, and Dirk just fearlessly walked up to the first tank, took a big puff off his cigar, cracked his neck to the side and then fired his bazooka one-handed at the Japanese tank, blasting the shit out of it.
After seeing this dude with a bazooka blowing their comrades up, the crew from the second Japanese tank opened the hatch and came piling out after Dirk. Once they were all out of the tank, they pulled out huge ass samurai swords and those crazy white headbands with the Japanese sun in the middle of them and started yelling the Japanese equivalent of, "I kill you, motherfucker!" while charging towards PFC Vlug. In one swift motion, Dirk flicked the lit cigar into the eye of one of the Japanese dudes, quick-drew his .45-caliber Colt 1911 from his thigh holster and plugged another Japanese tanker right between the eyes. The Japanese, totally freaked out by this, ran back into their tank to try and turn the 37mm on him. Dirk laughed, possibly said some sort of witty James Bond-style one-liner, popped another rocket into his bazooka and blasted the tank into the stratosphere.
Peering through the two smoldering craters, PFC Vlug noticed three more Japanese tanks rolling towards him. Dirk sighed, loaded another rocket and headed around to flank the relief column.
PFC Vlug made it around to the flank and blew the crap out of another Japanese tank. Once they figured out what was going on, the Japanese tanks started trying to shoot Dirk to death (nobody had informed them that he was completely fucking bullet and rocketproof) but could not succeed in that endeavor. PFC Vlug blew up his fourth tank, reloaded and fired his last rocket at the fifth and final tank. The impact of the blast on the final tank knocked it off a cliff where it tumbled all the way down and exploded at the bottom like the tank in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade but with more Japanese and no Nazis. And in this case, after the tank exploded the tiny pieces caused by the explosion actually exploded some more.
One man. Five tanks. Six rockets. For his incredible efficiency, absolute fearlessness and overall badassitude, PFC Dirk J. Vlug was awarded the United States Congressional Medal of Honor and probably some sort of Bazooka Marksmanship Merit Badge or something. You can read his full citation by clicking this link.




The side of the tank hull was spray painted:
Da V1uggin8r Wuz H3re!
pwned!

Helen Thomas...